When people come to therapy, they often want relief from pain, confusion, or disconnection. They may say things like, "I just want to stop feeling this way," or "I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore." These moments are deeply human, and they point to something many of us were never taught: how to understand, tolerate, and move through our emotions.
As an Emotion-Focused Therapist (EFT) and EMDR practitioner, I believe that working with emotions is central to healing. Whether someone is dealing with anxiety, depression, trauma, or simply a sense of being stuck, connecting with their emotional experience often becomes the turning point in therapy.
What Are Emotions, Really?
Emotions aren't problems to be fixed. They're messengers—signals that help us make sense of our inner world and respond to what matters most. Rather than viewing certain emotions as being good or bad, emotions can be described as having both adaptive and maladaptive forms. Adaptive meaning useful!
- Primary adaptive emotions are natural responses to important situations—like sadness in response to loss or anger in response to injustice. When felt and expressed, these emotions help us navigate life.
- Secondary emotions are often reactions to our initial feelings—like feeling ashamed of being sad, or anxious about being angry. These can obscure what's really going on underneath.
- Maladaptive emotions are responses that no longer serve us—like chronic guilt or fear that’s rooted in past trauma, not present danger.
Emotions help us identify what we need. For instance, sadness might point to a need for comfort, anger to a need for boundaries, or anxiety to a need for reassurance or safety. When we tune into our emotions, we begin to clarify those needs and move toward meeting them—whether that means reaching out to someone, setting limits, or changing our environment.
Over time, consistently recognizing and responding to our emotional signals helps build a stronger sense of identity. We begin to know what feels right or wrong for us, what we value, and how we want to live. Emotions become part of our internal compass, guiding our decisions and reinforcing a coherent sense of self.
In therapy, we gently explore these emotional layers together. The goal isn’t to "control" emotions, but to make space for them, understand what they’re telling us, and learn how to respond in a way that feels empowering rather than overwhelming. As you can see from above, there are different types of emotions and some are useful, some are not. It all depends on the situation. Let's look an example of how an emotion, in this case anger, can be useful or not depending on context:
Imagine someone feels anger when a colleague repeatedly takes credit for their work. That anger is a primary adaptive emotion—a signal that a boundary is being crossed, and a need for recognition or fairness is not being met. Expressing that anger assertively might lead to a clearer conversation and a restored sense of respect.
Now imagine that same person feels intense anger every time someone offers constructive feedback, even when it’s delivered kindly. That anger might be maladaptive—rooted not in the present moment, but in past experiences of criticism or rejection. Instead of helping the person take action, it may shut down connection and create distress.
Check out this video to learn a little more about why emotions are important
But What If I Don’t Want to Open Up My Emotions?
Many people worry that talking about emotions will be too much—that they'll feel flooded, vulnerable, or judged. This is especially true for those who have experienced trauma. If you’ve survived something painful, you may have learned to disconnect from your feelings as a way to cope. That makes perfect sense. You know you are ready for therapy when that disconnection invites more problems or difficulties in your life.
In our work together, I never push or direct you to go anywhere you’re not ready to go. My approach is collaborative and non-directive, meaning we follow your pace, your instincts, and your needs. When you’re ready, we can gently and safely explore what’s under the surface—without forcing anything.
Trauma and Emotions: Understanding the Impact
For trauma survivors, emotions can feel unpredictable, confusing, or even dangerous. This is where the difference between single-incident trauma and complex trauma comes in:
- Single-incident trauma (like a car accident or assault) can leave a clear emotional imprint—often linked to PTSD symptoms such as flashbacks or hypervigilance.
- Complex trauma (such as childhood abuse, neglect, or ongoing relational harm) affects a person’s entire sense of safety, self-worth, and emotional regulation. It’s often more diffuse and long-lasting.
Both types of trauma are valid and deserve care. In therapy, we work to build emotional awareness and resilience, not by diving headfirst into painful memories, but by creating a sense of stability, trust, and choice.
Why Emotion Work Heals
When we learn to listen to our emotions instead of fearing them, something begins to shift. We start to feel more grounded, more self-aware, and more connected to others. Emotions no longer feel like waves that knock us over—but currents we can understand and move through.
In Emotion-Focused Therapy, one of the core principles is that we change emotion with emotion. This means that simply talking ourselves out of how we feel—using logic or rational thinking—isn’t usually enough. What truly transforms a painful or stuck emotional state is the experience of a different, more healing emotion. For example, feeling self-compassion can begin to soften shame. Feeling empowered can begin to replace helplessness. These emotional shifts don't happen by force—they emerge through careful exploration, emotional safety, and support.
That’s what healing often looks like: not the absence of pain, but the ability to sit with it, learn from it, and come out the other side with more clarity and compassion.. We start to feel more grounded, more self-aware, and more connected to others. Emotions no longer feel like waves that knock us over—but currents we can understand and move through.
That’s what healing often looks like: not the absence of pain, but the ability to sit with it, learn from it, and come out the other side with more clarity and compassion.
Ready to Begin?
If you're curious about how working with your emotions could support your healing, I invite you to reach out. Whether you’re navigating trauma, anxiety, or just feeling stuck, therapy can be a powerful place to reconnect with yourself.
You don’t have to have it all figured out. You just need a space where you can begin.
Book a session today and let’s take that step together.
Glossary:
- Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT): A therapy approach that helps people understand, experience, and transform emotions.
- EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): A trauma therapy that helps process and release distressing memories.
- Primary/Secondary Emotions: Primary emotions are the first, natural responses; secondary emotions are reactions to those feelings.
- Maladaptive Emotions: Emotions that are based on old patterns or trauma and no longer help us respond effectively.
- Complex Trauma: Long-term or repeated trauma, often starting in childhood, that affects emotional and relational development.