The hidden struggle behind broken resolutions

When someone commits to a New Year’s resolution, it often looks like a single decision. In reality, there are usually multiple parts of the self involved, each with different needs, fears, and priorities.

One part may genuinely want change. It wants health, stability, growth, or relief from distress. Another part may resist. It may fear failure, loss of comfort, emotional exposure, or being overwhelmed. These parts are not irrational. They are often trying to protect the person in different ways.

This creates what therapists often refer to as a conflict split. One side pushes forward while another pulls back. The result is inconsistency, avoidance, or cycles of starting and stopping.

This explanation comes from established therapeutic models such as Emotion Focused Therapy and parts based approaches. It is a theoretical framework rather than a measurable biological fact.

Why motivation alone does not resolve conflict splits

Many people respond to failed resolutions by trying harder. They push themselves, shame themselves, or rely on strict routines. While this can work briefly, it rarely leads to lasting change.

The reason is emotional rather than behavioural. Unhelpful patterns are often driven by emotions such as fear, shame, loneliness, or a sense of inadequacy. These emotions may sit quietly in the background, but they strongly influence behaviour.

If a part of you feels criticised, pressured, or emotionally unsafe, it will resist. This can show up as procrastination, emotional shutdown, self sabotage, or sudden loss of energy. From the outside it can look like laziness or lack of commitment. Internally, it is usually an attempt to regulate distress.

Research across multiple therapeutic approaches shows that sustainable change is more likely when people feel emotionally understood rather than pushed or judged. This is an evidence based principle rather than a promise of outcome.

How therapy helps by working with emotions

Therapy helps by shifting the focus away from forcing behaviour and towards understanding the emotional drivers underneath it.

Rather than asking why you are not sticking to a resolution, therapy explores what emotions are being activated when you try to change. A therapist may help you identify emotions such as fear of failure, shame about past attempts, grief for what has been lost, or anger that has never had space to be expressed.

Many unhelpful patterns are maintained by what therapists call secondary emotions. These are emotions like anxiety, guilt, or numbness that arise to manage deeper and more vulnerable feelings. While they serve a short term protective function, they often keep people stuck.

Therapy aims to help people access and process the underlying emotions in a safe and supported way. As these emotions are acknowledged and transformed, the behaviours that were organised around them often soften naturally.

This links closely to a point discussed in a previous blog about how emotions are not the problem but signals that something important needs attention. When emotions are listened to rather than suppressed, they become a source of guidance rather than an obstacle.

Resolving internal conflict rather than fighting it

As therapy progresses, people often begin to understand that the part of them resisting change is not the enemy. It is usually carrying fear, exhaustion, or old protective strategies that once made sense.

By working with these emotional experiences rather than against them, therapy helps reduce the internal tug of war. Change no longer feels like self punishment. It becomes a response to genuine emotional needs.

This process is supported by clinical research showing that emotional processing and self compassion are key mechanisms of change. These findings are based on therapeutic research rather than guarantees.

From self blame to self understanding

One of the most painful effects of failed resolutions is the story people tell themselves afterwards. They may conclude that they are weak, broken, or incapable of change. These beliefs often reinforce the very emotional patterns that drive avoidance.

Therapy offers an alternative. Instead of asking “What is wrong with me?”, the focus becomes “What am I feeling?” and “What is this part of me trying to protect?”

For many people, this shift reduces shame and creates the emotional conditions needed for sustainable change.

A different way to approach the New Year

If you are struggling to stick to a resolution, it may be worth considering a different goal. Rather than focusing solely on outcomes, you might focus on emotional understanding.

This could mean becoming curious about your patterns, your emotions, and your internal conflicts. It could also mean allowing yourself support rather than trying to manage everything alone.

Change is rarely a straight line. When it is grounded in emotional awareness and self understanding, it becomes far more achievable.

If you find yourself stuck in the same cycles year after year, therapy can help you work with the emotions that keep those cycles in place. Not by forcing change, but by transforming the emotional patterns that drive it.

I welcome you to get in touch so we can help kick off 2026 with a spring in your step by tackling the barriers to your new years resolutions.